Thursday, 22 June 2017

Diary Entries

Seb and I both woke up in moods. I wanted to sleep longer but couldn't, left my wallet at home when I went to the shops, broke my fingernail at work and had to wrap it up in tiny frustrating bandaids, it throbbed all night. But at some point my mood lightened, as it does for reasons I can never put to words.

Went to see the C.B. gig, they sold out the tote, all the old and new friends packed in together. I felt the power of community, blessed to be a part of it all. I had a feeling N would show up, after weeks of being away on their camp - and sure enough they appeared before me in the courtyard, I could tell they were in a mood but hugged it out of them. I sat on the ground with A and kissed and felt close to everyone in a way I hadn't in a while. We went to one of those shocking parties where your arms get burnt by people's cigarette ends as you squish through bodies trying to get to some sort of courtyard where you hope your group will have claimed some space to sit or lie. We ended up back at J's and spent what felt like hours just kind of wandering from room to room in different streams of conversation.

V came to stay while Seb went to tassy for a week, we both worked a lot and when we weren't working we were talking about working. On Sunday we went to Warrandyte and brought zoe along, took turns to sit with her while the other slipped down the cold, flattened rocks into the cool, clean water. I floated on my back and let the sounds of children, trees, water, air merge into a hypnotic soundscape around me. I felt peaceful. X and I had plans to see a movie later and I had a feeling they'd cancel, but I let the prospect give me some buoyancy in the meantime anyway. At home V and I put on facemasks and got drunk watching fast and the furious.

E called the next morning, she was in the area and stopped in, we embraced in the doorway with warmth - there's something about her that brings all my emotions to the forefront. 'I have some news - I had the same diagnosis as your dad did, my darling,' skin cancer, the doctor already removed it. Her teary stoic smile, oh how much you've been through E, and how long we've known each other.

I feel ripped off that it's the weekend again, like I've only just recovered. Earlier in the week I got struck by an uncomfortable bout of social anxiety, Seb was home with A for a couple of nights, then K, then I was working, and I took our lack of time together as a personal blow. Then I got my period and everything slid into place. Work was quiet and I dozed on the couch, smoked too many ciggies to stave off the dullness. The next day Seb and I lounged on the couch and watched movies and ordered uber eats and I felt happy.

I had so many dreams last night, it was like the scene was constantly shifting - I know A, S and B were there. At one point I was on a helpline call, the caller was a middle aged woman experiencing anxiety. There were lots of silences on the line, she was shy and wasn't talking much. I was coaxing her along and also just sitting with her in the silence, letting her know it was ok to not talk. V kept tapping me on the shoulder trying to hurry me off the call, and I'd gesture to the phone trying to relay I couldn't - she'd roll her eyes or tap her foot impatiently. Then after a long silence with the caller, I looked at the desk and saw that the phone was hung up in its bracket and in my hand there was nothing but air - I didn't know how long I'd been off the call, or if there even was a call - I turned to ask V what was happening and she just gave me a pat on the shoulder to offer sympathy.

Baby is at home with a honey glow candle alight by the bed and everywhere else in the room (and in the world) is the blue of an endless night. You were crying, I think - couldn't see through the microcosm of data, but I tend to know these things, like when you know the time before you check your phone, you know it cause you're in touch with more than just the information that's immediately presented to you, more than the container of your body and blood.

I bled all in the sheets of the single bed in the man's apartment. He wakes us up in the morning with a bell and I sit on the balcony and the sun glints across the wind smoothed tiles of countless apartment buildings. S has been down and I can imagine the winter light of -i-slept-all-day back home and the way our courtyard looks like suburbia. I prefer the front deck, the brown couch that I bought when I was 18.

Last night I dreamt I was starting my residency, F and A dropped me there. Seb was seeing me off and we were looking through a photography book, the images were all of Patti Smith, she was very femme looking and in a forest and wearing flowers in her hair. I started trying to model my look off her but it felt all wrong and was upsetting to the point of tears, but no one seemed to understand why I was doing it (myself included) or why it was upsetting. Later, I was in my room at the residency on top of a bunk bed and J came to visit me, we started kissing but someone walked in - a guy carrying luggage, followed by more men, and I looked around and realised the room had four or so other beds when I thought I was alone and I felt uncomfortable.

The day before your birthday we meet outside the taco place we like and you're stressed, I see it in your hands and teeth, I have been with S in the park, she leaves and we sit down for a smoke. It's your venus returns, your birthday ticks over at midnight. We spend it playing song after song in the lounge room in the dark, like we used to do in our old house, drinking whatever booze is lying around mixed with whatever's in the fridge. It's smokey and grey and loud when daylight washes in like breath. I think friendships from early childhood can be kind of boring, I think it's far more interesting to meet as adults and offer your mostly formed but still refining minds to each other for mutual benefit and turn it all inside out from there. I think spending one on one time with someone, and really getting to know them, is one of the most interesting things we can experience in life.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

freewrite from vienna

i think i fell into some years of your bad luck, you left them gummed to the edges of some old shoes and they turned up in my closet after the winter rains had ended – i laughed, that kinda laugh you do with a dryness, an oldness, sarcasm but also a bit of surprise i guess – ‘you again,’ i thought, knowing and not knowing why

it was christmas some time ago now, and i said it had been the worst year of my life. what a hurtful phrase! it cut her quick and irreversibly like a cigarette butt tossed between train carriages – she who had worked so hard to make sure i was happy and how self indulgent of me to still be so sad. And yet i still don’t afford that sadness to those i slave away for – if my gifts and the gift of my time isn’t enough to heal soft tissue wounds of before then god, i’ll feel downright irrelevant – is that something i want to change, in myself, i wonder? It’s worth being mindful at least --

anyway, that was then. what is it about the way fish swim back to where their parents met despite never having been there before that gives me goosies. Neptune’s inducing some vivid dreams in me lately and i try to scrawl them down, their cobwebby touch stickily brushing my synapses. i love that my grief is a part of me and i learn more about it every day. it can be sentimental like a black and white film and in it i can cry forever. sounds sad, but it isn’t. i think the veil between realms is the only thing worth comprehending – sometimes anyway. and lately i’ve been feeling so blessed.