Sunday, 7 January 2018

Spat out, again

Spinning through another new years, got a little lost with my
destructive side. As per me, not one for half measures,
caught myself running to a place beyond feeling

Then I was there, spat out on the other end, loose teeth
and no sense of direction. Been crawling on all fours since

I’m reeling at the crazed mechanisms of my heart, again
unsure what its admin is, other than to destroy me

Who wrote this part of me? Crazed coyote howls, literal slobber
Coughing out emotion nonsense, tantrums tiring like a toddler
Waking after lukewarm nap to dark room, repeating

It’s 6am Monday and I’m awake ‘cause I’ve never felt worse
and in these moments sleep is poor relief, plus
my masochistic side likes to relish. There’s that sickening sweet part
to all the dumb heartache

In my lighter moods I like to think at least we’re all learning
(he sat on my couch in tears, told me how many years ago someone had said
 ‘I’ve never met anyone so willing to feel every single emotion,’ oh, darling--)

and on my blackest days I cant help but laugh
at how ridiculously we repeat the same patterns