samhein

the glass above me, black

with velvet hours and heavy

i was wearing my elbows in again, wringing

wrists like my future self. pre-emptively arthritic

in the mind

but i get these day dreams

neck-to-neck with rationality, competing in jest

like a reunion match for nostalgia’s sake

he was rattling toward me, big

chunks of metal and plastic grating on the bitumen.

i could imagine the smell of warmth

the bodies at rush hour

i could imagine his head, big lollypop

glazed eyes lolling along the scenery

and later, combing his hair down the middle,

slighted by the oncoming troop, ruthless

the regime of self doubt

monday. second guessing-

the dullness of the street and its personal lack of traffic

the cars that do are yellow

dimmed like old photographs

the photo, with my eyes closed and her teeth open

dark browns and greys, a smokey palate

for the palliative

her fingers got skinny like fine smooth branches

placed the ring in my hand said look after this

went back to her pudding, never left

with my compass i set the altar north and salted

my little prayers. who is this tinny voice

my personal cheshire, little grinning cherub

no longer earthbound

talking back the days through ashes

and the flowers from their cremation

seasonal diary

*

for me, it was endless

the lapping of the day, the weather

looking for ways to slow my heart beat

she was there, her slow geography

merging with my usual context

sitting in the garden, eating crumbs of sedation

the university grounds

pooling around me

like the greyness of a shopping centre

and when the night time came i met him

down a crooked street, we walked hand in hand

ordered chinese, ate with silver chopsticks

mashed our tongues together in the cold of 8pm

later, minutes, happily aneasthetised

reading horoscopes and swaying round the platform

closed my eyes the whole way home

shimmering over lamp lit gutters

sunday night i climbed aboard his bed of doubt

and all was dark save for laptop screen.

when i woke

my personal groundhog day

greeted me with familiar hurricane

i worked it out, though

got through all the admin stuff

got to the core, my little cup

tipping lively down the throat of struggle

we woke to fuck and slept again

fed the dog and watched the moon

her clean kindness shone

in my feigned domestic sovereignty

and weariness felt lighter

when i let all that muck settle down

bodies curled like question marks, turning like a key

tonight i’ll continue my little hobby

of rewiring my brain.