putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again

I ask her sheepishly if she thinks it’s a bad idea for me to get yet another coffee and she shrugs theatrically and says it’s before midday so go for broke – later at the produce market we sit on wicker chairs under a blanket and watch dogs walk past, her dog was poisoned when she was young and the cruelness in the world sinks its teeth into me like frostbite. The rain comes down and I’m almost thankful, the longest summer of my life is liquidating and now I can crawl into bed where I am most days anyhow and rest these aching bones for a season.

In bed, stoned and eating chips, we say with serious faces that one thing we will for sure miss about Berlin is Spree Quell (extra fizzy mineral water) - 12 empty bottles standing side by side like commuters in an elevator, I keep meaning to take them to the recycling. It’s funny, how moody I am, and I keep cutting things out of my diet to try and regulate whatever’s going on in my body and it’s one of those things you're never sure is really working, a bit like God or fish oil tablets. Are you having a wild time over there? Actually it’s all about herbal teas and soda water. It’s colder at nights now and I hobble around my studio in blankets, there’s a heater but I don’t know how to work it and no one’s around to ask. Creaky bones and sleeps filled to the brim with dreams, I dream of zoe a lot and seb thinks that means she also dreams about me, too. 

We were all glowing that night, with newness and full hearts and the extra spark delivered on his horizontal mirror. And we were glowing still the weekend earlier, smashing glasses in the fancy bar through the stupor of our foggy brains and we were glowing in the park, all lit up with the exciting plan of doing absolutely nothing but going back to bed and watching one tree hill. The new moon wants to bring a sense of ease to my relationship with my body, I try to let it, but “I am complete as I am” is a tricky phrase that clags up my internal room. What does slowing down look like? I try to change my gut response – that is looks bad, that it looks slovenly. I’m a triple fire what can I do.

Turning the corner I find you all huddled on a stoop, on the wrong side of the city and we laugh with our wild hearts. We breathe energy into the evening even though our reserves are low, and but we give it like a gift ‘cause sometimes that’s what support looks like.