i think i fell into some years of your bad luck, you left them
gummed to the edges of some old shoes and they turned up in my closet after the
winter rains had ended – i laughed, that kinda laugh you do with a dryness, an
oldness, sarcasm but also a bit of surprise i guess – ‘you again,’ i thought,
knowing and not knowing why
it was christmas some time ago now, and i said it had been the worst
year of my life. what a hurtful phrase! it cut her quick and irreversibly like
a cigarette butt tossed between train carriages – she who had worked so hard to
make sure i was happy and how self indulgent of me to still be so sad. And yet
i still don’t afford that sadness to those i slave away for – if my gifts and
the gift of my time isn’t enough to heal soft tissue wounds of before then god, i’ll feel
downright irrelevant – is that something i want to change, in myself, i wonder?
It’s worth being mindful at least --
anyway, that was then. what is it about the way fish swim back to
where their parents met despite never having been there before that gives me
goosies. Neptune’s inducing some vivid dreams in me lately and i try to scrawl
them down, their cobwebby touch stickily brushing my synapses. i love that my
grief is a part of me and i learn more about it every day. it can be
sentimental like a black and white film and in it i can cry forever. sounds
sad, but it isn’t. i think the veil between realms is the only thing worth
comprehending – sometimes anyway. and lately i’ve been feeling so blessed.
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