You Taste Like Freedom.

+++

running down the street like water

your hand in mine we say

nothing

my mouth is filled with sand

hot skin freckled

the night air’s a slap

that tastes sweet

our feet beat the ground

your breath’s caught

in my hair we’re

flying

I don’t care

if all we do is run in circles

it’s been an honour

to match your stride

and have 

your hand

in mine.

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The past is in us, and not behind us.

Seb and I have a tradition of very theatrically singing and dancing along to hole in the kitchen in preparation for a night out. On Friday we went to a gig in a warehouse in Brunswick, we stood in a nearby alley drinking wine out of water bottles and discussing the amazing feats that are our minds and how strange and scary and bizarre it is when they are out of control, and how little we really know about ourselves. I’ve been piecing things together, I guess over the last few months, working out why I am the way I am and why I am me, what made me. And it’s quite phenomenal to pin point moments in my childhood that have so dramatically moulded my perceptions to this very day – and how coping mechanisms developed at an early age can become distorted into habitual obsessive thought patterns – the idea of re learning how to think is scary and hard but sometimes necessary and it doesn’t mean we’re crazy it means we want to change and grow and get the most out of life.

Things are changing all around me. I have a job now, at an ice cream parlour in Ivanhoe and to be honest I really like it, which is funny, because I’ve always hated working and I have the worst ethic out of anyone I know. But I’m growing up now, and I’ll be 21 in a little over a month.

Yesterday Jack and I celebrated our one-year anniversary, it was so fun, we woke up and for the first time in a while we weren’t hungover which was pleasant, and we went to savers and bought each other the silliest and funniest presents, and ate burritos, and had funny conversations with the staff of grandma funk. We then went to the Nova to see The Turning, which is an adaptation of the Tim Winton short story collection of the same title – seventeen short stories adapted by seventeen different directors. It was absolutely amazing and it blew both our minds, I was just incredibly amazed at how fucking brilliant all the directors were and how different yet complementary and cohesively beautiful each piece was, and how they came together to shape such an amazing story. I was telling Jack after we left the cinema how I’d forgotten what an impact Tim Winton had had on me when I was seventeen and I first read Cloudstreet – I fell in love with that book and have read it many times since, and when I was in year 12 I went on a crazy Tim Winton splurge and read Dirt Music, Breath, That eye the sky, Riders and The Turning.

Jack and I went back to his and built a blanket fort and watched the OC and got emotional when the theme song came on because we were both really emotionally invested in the show as thirteen year olds and it was really funny because it’s actually such an average show yet so so iconic in our minds. I haven’t done an actual post like this in a while where I just talk about myself and stuff but it’s been fun.

Days Like This

shy milk teeth pressing into fleshy orange, fat droplets hit the lino while you stand, five feet four in one sock, squinting out the window at the melting sun, rays bleeding red through fly wire. The breeze carrying the back door swinging hitting lemon tree rust - girl you’re a vision in blue denim overalls,

whistling a tune lips puckered on a note, you’re a goddess doing nothing

but spreading butter on toast for tea - thinkin about that time you watched a stray dog safely cross the road and how your heart stopped and how your heart sang cause you care, you care.

there’s a flower in a vase next to you from your man, he’s thinkin of you too

neighbours barking

         street cars shuddering

                    fragile songbirds sing

you're enveloped in a womb of noise while you stand, tanned and ready

orange peel ceramic plate, bread crumb fingers you're ready

to accept the world

rays of light bleeding red through

fly wire, you

you know how to love.

Those women longed for the touch of others' lips, and thus invited their kisses.

~*~

unfamiliar ceiling
heart ticking ticking

 ceiling fan clicking – sticky limbs nearly

touching - your ripe mouth open, mine closed

around a word I can’t say - not now

sorry I’m okay – don’t frown, let’s

stay a while. Bare feet fly buzz

lungs rattle stumble – I’m an accident

waiting to happen as I trip and tumble

down the hall, bathroom sink

let me cool my hands and think

alba skin adorned with sweat

mirror fogged up heavy breath

I’m heavy with the weight of waiting

you’re frozen like a photo I’m phoning

your mother telling her

we won’t be making it over today

sorry I’ll say

goodnight to your son

he’ll be okay, hand held against

the light, feeble protection

water eyes, his lips a question

asking me how soon how soon

can we get outta here outta this room

not today, I’ll say – lying down

static touch, skin so thin moist lips 

closed around a word I’ll say

soon, soon, but not today.

~*~

I get that little itch

Today I've been nostalgic. It has been a year since Jack and I first started seeing each other, and I've been reading over my old diaries of what I wrote back then, things have changed so much - I really feel we've all evolved so much, grown as people. My whole perception of the world was so different back then. A lot has happened in a year, people have come and gone from my life, I've learnt a lot about myself. But I'm itching to move, still. I can't sleep in my own bed for more then two nights in a row. I get antsy and frustrated. Staying at Jacks is good because there's so much commotion and catastrophe and even if people are yelling and there's drama it's still beautiful, it's electric. Right now I feel subdued, numb even. The sound has been turned down on the world around me. Last night another friend had a 21st, me and Lucy (in true fashion) snuck out during the speeches and smoked in the courtyard, we managed to talk about a lot in the space of 10 minutes and basically summarise the ups and downs of our lives. I feel that we've both learnt a lot about ourselves in the last year. It's always interesting seeing friends that you don't see every day and you realise you do have a lot to tell them, catching each other up to speed - it makes me feel more accomplished. I have done things, I have done things. In usual fashion I'm already planning Eurotrip #3 next year. Me and Jack bought Meredith tickets. I need these things, these events to look foreword to. The monotony of uni life is killing me. I love my classes I love short fiction and I love studying literature, it's more the repetitious public transport journeys, the 'killing time' in between classes. Sometimes I feel wasteful of my time. Got to get out got to get out. Nothing's more nostalgic to me then the Runaways, my introduction to punk when I was 15. The Runaways meant so much to me. This song defined how I felt about life and hey look it's still applicable. 

Over the last week I've been to a few gigs at the Melbourne Writers Fest. The first was 'Between Friends', and was run by three authors from the anthology 'Just Between Us' - which is all about female friendships, and realistically portraying them through creative non fiction and fiction, as opposed to the glamourised and often trivialised female friendships a la sex and the city / gossip girl etc. I really love this, me and Kassie went together and it was really enjoyable - the authors read excerpts from their stories, the vibe was similar to the tv show Girls - dirty realism but funny and endearing as well.

The other day I went to see 'Why I Read' - which had Chandrahas Choudhury, Jay Griffiths and Maureen McCarthy talking about the importance of reading - the books they read as children and how it effected them, what they read when they were coming of age - how it effected their own writing, what books they felt change them etc. It was really lovely and I feel that any avid reader could relate to what they said - something that particularly stuck with me was a quote - 'Reading is amazing in that it both consoles, and confirms loneliness'. I don't know if I even agree with that, but there's something powerfully sad in those words. I kind of wish they'd never said it.

 ~I love the Deakin Edge theatre!~ 

 ~one of my many vintage dresses from Japan~

Another great thing I did the other day was see the movie Frances Ha. I loved it so much! I actually found out about it at the writers festival, when one of the Just Between Us authors mentioned how realistic female friendships were becoming a popular topic of cinema and entertainment in general lately - Girls being the first 'big' breakthrough for the niche genre, and she mentioned the independent film so I looked it up at the Nova. To be honest I don't like the show Girls - when i first watched it I loved it and devoured the whole first season in a night, though when the second season came out I kind of wised up a bit. It's actually awful and terrible. Anyway Hannah as a character makes terrible life decisions and her OCD was all a bit too close to home for me to really want to watch any more. Frances Ha is similar in many ways - girl in New York, struggling with money and with life in general - boy troubles, best friend troubles, whatamidoingwithmylife kind of thing. But what I loved about it was that this main character (Frances) is so resolutely happy! Despite all the setbacks in her life and the obstacles she faces she keeps going and keeps smiling and it made me so happy and I hope that I'm like her and I like to think I am in some ways. 

~Seb outside our house before we went to see the movie~

 ~I spent all of yesterday in the bath eating pizza watching breaking bad chain smoking it was great~

~Me looking sulky~