then we joined our feverish lips in a kiss tasting already of the bitterness of future regret.

With the usual knee-jerk reaction I questioned those words of sincerity and implied good will 

and took it to a place in my mind 

that I imagine is some sort of vortex of            manipulation 

and destruction, as predicted 

words came out churned and my cement mixer mind 

got it wrong                and got it wrong again, and with the manic 

flickering of a sparrow’s impulsive movements 

when trapped in a coffee shop I flew out the window      (of my inner eye this time)              

and found myself in a space no longer dulled down 

                    by the weighty blanket of you-know-what with a capital D

instead I found myself in a place              where I saw those words circling in and out of focus and focus is what they always say to do and I tried and failed 

at least at first 

but her words echoed around while my eyes (still shut) flickered 

to the scene described 

and I found myself in a meadow.

She said ‘You are now walking through a beautiful green meadow-’

Instantly of course I found myself in the familiar PC background 

of primary school libraries 

and an image appeared of a book on horses              with its plastic dust cover 

worn and nearly broken, my sense of self 

is rather worn and nearly broken but I’d say that’s a common opinion 

for those who sit in this chair and reach for their water bottle            or tea or a tissue or any 

substitute for a cigarette when you don’t want to talk but don’t want to look like you can’t

and hydration is the key, so they say. 

And with all my good intentions of self reflection 

                 I couldn’t see the trees for the forest                      or the forest for the trees 

and her voice rang clear while I tried to disappear into oblivion under the shaking realisation 

of my own anger at everything and everyone. 

She took me back to the meadow again-

She nudges me along; giving me prompts, ‘Start with I want you to know-’

‘I want you to know,’ I said out loud to a room full of plants, my voice 

was an aimlessly directed arrow 

that gained momentum among its own echoes. 

I said out loud poised on the edge of PC background meadow occupied by me 

and the other capital d-

‘I’m not a failure.’