Free write.

I’m trying to read something but my brain feels like putty like something thick and dense and malleable. Mould my mind, mould my mind. It’s one of those days that held a promise in the morning but as usual I let the morning hours slip away, early afternoon never lasts long, evening comes on quick and then that’s that, that’s done. What am I doing here? This isn’t my home, just a place I’ve set up camp, made myself comfortable, a change of scenery a gas heater a chesterfield couch. Sometimes I need a break from my house and that’s okay. You can’t expect me to love that house. Some days I do. You can’t expect me to love that house all the time, is what I mean. I mean how could I. On days where I see clearly the cracks in the plaster and the dog hair on the carpet and I’m reminded of the fact that it’s been 8 months since the bulb burst in my room and I haven’t changed it yet. Strategically placed lamps and fairy lights. A softer setting for my tranquil space. Harsh overhead lights only hurt my retinas. I’ll tell myself that. 

On days like these I’m reminded of being a kid and taking a day off school, and being excited in the morning for a day of doing nothing and being at home and getting looked after for being sick or maybe I wasn’t actually sick just pretending but either way I enjoyed it. But then it would be over and it would feel all a bit sickening and grotesque and bleak because that’s a whole day gone and nothing came of it. Nothing good. Hours spent watching daytime TV and that slovenly gluttonous feeling, can’t shake it off can’t wash it off. 

A man once told me that when I feel this way I should try and ‘take control’ and ‘do something’ to make myself proud, do a drawing write a poem clean my room something like that. He worked at a hospital and he also encouraged me to let jesus into my life, and he really was annoying and kept annoying me until my Nanna told him to piss off. And it was one of those bonding moments where I thought my Nanna was really cool for swearing at a jesus man and she bought me a coffee afterwards and didn’t tell me off for smoking. But I listened to the advice part, not the jesus part, and today I’ve written this and I don’t think it made a difference but you can’t blame me for not trying cause i mean at least I tried.